Funny Quotes and sayings!

Here are some funny quotes and sayings used around the globe! well just read and laugh!

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it."
Somerset Maugham

"I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day."
George Axlerod

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen.

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore.

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Joan Rivers

"Awards are like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every asshole gets some."
Frederic Raphael

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
Carrot Top.

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
Mitch Hedberg.

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
Bob Rubin

"We spend the first twelve months of our lives being taught to walk and talk, and the next 15 years being told to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"The main reason Santa is so Jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live!"
George Carlin

"It's true... no man is an island... but if you take a bunch of dead guys and
tie 'em together, they make a pretty good raft."
Bug Eyed Earl, Red Meat.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

Douglas Adams

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

Wendy Leibman

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Gary Shandling

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Unknown

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken Dodd

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Lisa Claymen

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
Unknown

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
Stan Laurel

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Jack Handey

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows
Janette Barber

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?
Unknown

China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there.
Charles De Gaulle

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an bowling ball.
Mark Twain

"We're ALL different, that's what makes us the same"

Unknown

"if ur hand hurts! take it out of the blender!"

Danny stockwell

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Danny stockwell

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese!(

Unknown

They who go to bed with itchy butts wake up with smelly fingers

Unknown

"A little pain never hurt anyone."

Unknown

"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

Unknown

whoops! newsreaders shouldnt have said these bloopers! silly people! anyway they make me laugh!!

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

House passes gas tax onto Government

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Miners refuse to work after death

Defendant's speech ends in long sentence

Doctor testifies in horse suit

Flaming toilet seat causes evacuation of Secondary school

Police discover crack in Austrailia

Sea Bass biting off English coast

Traffic dead rising slowly

Judge acts to re-open theatre

Man held in Miami after shooting bee

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

Carribean islands drift to left

New housing for elderly not yet dead

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Florida's illegal Aliens cut in half by new law

Chinese apeman dated

Man held over giant L.A. brush fire

Genetic engineering splits scientists

Queen Mary having bottom scraped (boat)

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid £1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Man Steals Clock, Faces Time

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Laughter and happyness are the gateway to heaven!