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This page is currently being edited! However there are some jokes!
These jokes are not intended to offend! some people may find them disgusting and sick. However they are new!
Last christmas the Sri Lankans didnt get much for christmas but Santa looked over his sleigh and gave them a
big wave!
The pub on the coast of Sri Lanka was only slightly damaged but the clientelle wasnt there! But luckily enough
the customers are difting back in!
Just as Ellen McCarthur was about to cross the finish line for her around the world attempt her time was beaten
by a Sri Lankan on a deck chair!
if you do not like these and wish for them to be removed just post your complaint on the guestbook!
if you do french you might get this one!
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast
wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the
snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer
asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well,
the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for
a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And
whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
blind man!
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A
passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?!
Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick
him."
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie
bus accident!
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board
and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate
the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The
police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts
dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The
monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!"
The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth,
meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid
bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Well this is confusing!!
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to
be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently,
it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Mummy, Mummy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
artichokes!
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia
in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and
says, " I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
Artie answers, "No."
The
guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How
much will you pay me?"
The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get
in."
The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper,
I'll pay you a dollar."
Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket,
sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes
her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around,
grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO
FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
Milking!
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug
squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Cloudy!
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One
day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite
besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man
and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing
for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't
bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
Frankenstein!
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving
in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front
of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and
smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and
sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry
her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees
a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute
passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied
the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor,
bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor
and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master
greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always
found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in
the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's
arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of
music!
Poppins!
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is
the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would
you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower
cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming
the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came
down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary
replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have
had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps
you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would
value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment
into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment
Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Twins!
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Thrones!
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area,
and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home,
chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass
hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day,
they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but
the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic
of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
The moral: People
who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Wrongs!
The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite
white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years,
and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down
to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon
after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and,
apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though
fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong
offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and
who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would
rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back
to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to
remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs
cannot make a white."
Father and son!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud
of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is
dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another
drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying
and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his
new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That
boy should have quit while he was a head."
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